8.23.2008

am i really at a loss of words?

it's taken me a few days to put everything into perspective. tuesday night's news keeps ringing in my head like an alarm clock on snooze. i'll get to the point where i am comfortable, forgetting what's happened and then BUZZ here it comes again.

my kansas friends (minus jess and brynn) don't get it. my sf friends don't get it. but luckily my dmb friends do. it's hard to describe why i am so emotional over the death of someone whom i didn't really know. a man who has been a part of my life for the past 13 years; and yet the only contact i've ever had with him is saying "happy birthday" in the parking lot of sandstone at his birthday show in 2005, as he passed by on his segway.

this band is my solace. other than my friends and family, they've been the only constant staple in my life throughout the past 13 years. 13 YEARS. people don't even stay married that long anymore. it's also the reason for so many relationships i currently have. i never would have moved to kansas if not for the band. i surely wouldn't be married to the love of my life if not for the band. and lastly, i wouldn't have the close friends i've made over the past 10 years if it weren't for the band.

as more of the story begins to surface, i'd rather not know that roi had checked himself out of the hospital against doctors orders in early july. i wish i hadn't read the details of what transpired last tuesday in roi's last hours. but as most people, i thought i did. so many questions are running through my head right now. was the band with him? did they know how bad off he was? did they say anything to him? in reality, it's none of my business but in this day and age, you can find out anything. and sometimes it's not the best thing for me.

last night we honored roi in a memorial dinner/celebration with jess and brynn. john put together a playlist of roi's greatest moments and i listened, in a way i never had before. focusing solely on the sax. on the flute. on the penny whistle. or any other instrument he picked up.

at the end of the night, john had 4 songs he had saved for just to listen to. he was pretty drunk so i didn't think much of the song choices until he started to bring "our" stories and mixing them into the songs.

like the first time i came to visit john, he played me the benchwarmers show from 1994, specifically "one sweet world". his brother had been at benchwarmers that day and was asked to buy "the violin dude" new strings. or when we went to champaign on a whim in 2002 because uncle mikey had sent us tickets and they played "loving wings" which i chose to walk down the aisle to at our wedding. and of course, our wedding where our first dance was to "lover lay down".

this band, as others have said, has been the soundtrack to my life. it won't be the same without roi and his amazing solos and bashful smile, but somewhere, he's looking down thinking that he did good in his short life.

thank you for everything, roi. you will be missed terribly.

3 comments:

Miss Squito said...

aw! This totally made me tear up. I knew you'd understand. I have never before cried over the death of someone I didn't actually know.

I wish I could hug you right now.

jennifer said...

You know I know how you feel, I'm so thankful to not have to go through this alone. We are here for each other & we need to lean on that. I have not been able to listen to anything since last Tuesday & I'm not sure when I will get the courage up to do so. We are going to the Greek shows so I'm preparing myself for the emotional roller coaster and counting on our friends to help each other who are there through the storm.

Anonymous said...

it is better to leave than be left.

shay- staples was an unreal feeling. the feeling was do i stay? do i run out of here crying? what is going on? what do i do?

thank you for being my friend.